No Hidden Meanings

Devon,

I humbly apologize for making your life so terrible. I apologize profusely for the errors I've made. There is nothing I deserve more than your hatred and anger. I cheated on your mother and the family. There is no excuse and I am deeply sorry. I am doing everything I can with your mother to take the necessary steps to restore our family.

You are correct, I have lied; I have sinned; I have made horrible mistakes in this process. I am working to heal things with your mother first. There is no wishing or magic words or actions that will make this better. Only time and God's mercy will help everyone heal. I hope that you can turn to God in this process to find peace for yourself. I do hope that you stop taking things out on your mother so visciously. She needs your support at this time...not your venom. She didn't do this... I did.

You may choose to use this as your "reason" for hating the world, hating me even, but there is no reason to be hateful to your mother. Have some mercy in your heart... honor God and serve her. You may think that I have no moral authority to give you this counsel... but that would be untrue. In all of this you are still commanded by God in scripture to honor your mother and father so that it will go well with you and you will live a long life. It doesn't suggest that if your angry... or if your parents make mistakes and sin that you are somehow excused from this commandment by God.

I am fasting, and I am asking God for his help to restore our family 1oo% to health. I believe he is going to help me in this process. I am working with your mother and trying very hard to regain her trust so that we can move forward. The simple fact is that you need to trust your Savior and your Mother. She is a very Godly woman... she is a very wise woman... and learning to follow her lead in graciousness will go a long way towards honoring God in your own life.

You may choose to continue in your anger towards me... but the result will only be a disease in your soul called Bitterness. Bitterness takes root and it destroys lives... I know this because I let it take root in my heart towards your mother. It was a destructive disease... one which God is curing me of, one which causes a cancer of the soul that is worst than anything. For your own sake... forgive and pray for your family.

I failed you and your brother's and sisters, I failed your mother. Please forgive me for this. Please forgive me. I am not asking you to trust me... nor am I asking you to believe in me again. But do not continue this war of viscious words. I will not shoot back... I will only pray for you.

You are an amazingly gifted young lady. I am sure that you will surpass me in many ways. That is how it works. One generation building on the results of the past. Sometimes having to overcome the errors of past generations. I have repeated key mistakes that my birth father and grand father passed on. I didn't want to admit it, but I fell to the same failures. It has been very humbling having to be stripped so naked by God in front of so many people.

You see my sin is in public and visible, but according to God all sin is sin. So the sins that others commit in secret in the dark are no different. I am not original in my failings. Thankfully, Jesus died for me too. I have asked for forgiveness, I am repenting, and I am taking the steps to ensure that there is never going to be a repeat of this again. I realize none of that may satisfy your anger... but it is what God has asked. Who are you to ask more than God?

In the end of things I didn't sin against you... I sinned against God. I have taken it to God. I will continue to take it to him. I hope that in this you will find a shred of mercy in your soul towards me. I am most concerned that you maintain a healthy relationship with your mother... she deserves nothing less from you.

Your servant,
Dad

The Truth of My Failings

I am sorry
I've made a terrible mistake
Though I knew the end was coming
I could have found a better way

I am sorry
I've hurt you more than I understand
Even though things had to change
I could have been a better man

I am sorry
I've asked God to forgive me
Not for the situation, but for the sin
I can only trust he's listening

I am sorry
There's no excuse I let my loneliness win
I just felt so god damn worthless
And she made me feel valuable again

I am sorry
I thought I was stronger
I thought I could endure until the bitter end
I should of asked for help so much earlier

I am sorry
I was stoic and kept the pain locked up inside
I kept hoping it would someday be better
I kept hoping she'd see my value

I am sorry
I never loved your mother
In the way she so richly deserved
I earned every moment of disrespect
Impaled on every viscious and venemous word

I am sorry
I've wronged you all
I was disloyal and my timing was sad
I betrayed something that was dying
I should have waited till I was truly dead

I am sorry
I tried to control this
And built a naive world inside my head
Where we all might someday be happy
And ignore the lives I shred

I am sorry
You can't forgive me
I've earned each minute of your rage
I've sown and reaped the harvest
Just another statistic of the age

I am sorry
In more ways than you can imagine
Not because it ever happened
But because I should have just walked on by
And stayed numb and dead instead

I am sorry
I denied the truth of my failings
I couldn't admit what I had become
Lonely, emasculated, addicted and immoral
You're right to think of me as worthless scum

I am sorry
I could of loved her more for you
But I am more tender than you might think
I've wounded and been so deeply wounded
I am terrified and can't risk being wounded again

I am sorry
I know I've done evil
My hearts done black and dark dirty deeds
I've murdered more than you know dear
Choked out beauty with life's flfthy weeds

I am sorry
You're right somehow doesn't cut it
But theres no other words that can say
All the parts just won't piece back together
In these shaking and sorrowful hands

I am sorry
Please forgive my hideous mistakes
Nothing makes up for the damage
No insurance to replace the pain
Just smoldering ruins remain

I am sorry
I truly should have died with honor
And been happy in my lonely bed
Since I'm the one who made it
I should have lay in it till I was fully dead

I am sorry
I'll do what I can
To pick up the pieces and put things right
But it's not all going to fit back together
And I'll never again be the white knight

Clear Now

The dead tell no tales
The dead have nothing but regrets
The dead just keep on walking
The dead leave everything unsaid

You live with all your anger
You live like it's all about you
You live with a heart of cancer
You live like I mean nothing to you

The dead cannot remember
The dead rot in their regrets
The dead just can't stop talking
The dead mean nothing...cause they're dead

You judge like one sins greater than another
You judge every genuine attempt
You judge like you've earned the right
You judge like somehow you're exempt

The dead loved and still they died
The dead hoped and still they're just bones
The dead try to reach the living
But they're dead and forever alone

You act like somebody owes you
You act like you see inside my private heart
You act like little Ms. all knowing
But all that actings gonna tear you apart

I'm dead... you've made that clear now
I'm dead... so why even bother to try
I'm dead... so I guess I'll move on now
I'm dead... and dead men can't apologize

You live like a bitter princess
You live like you have a clue
You live like the universe is about you
You live like any of this is new

I'm dead... but I'll just keep on loving
I'm dead... and I'll fix what I can
I'm dead... but at least I'm still breathing
I'm dead... because God didn't make perfect men

I'm dead... because I wasn't listenting
I'm dead... because I couldn't hear your pain
I'm dead... and the dead they just can't go dancing
I'm dead... and there's no forgiveness for the grave

The dead always wish they knew
How to bring themselves back
But the living are too busy to notice
They're walking with the dead

Your Heros Fallen

Never seen a bitter light so piercing
Tasting every poison word
I wonder whose voice is talking
You damn me to extorted silence
So very well rehearsed

Little girl lifes not so simple
Kisses don't make everything better
Little girl you've said a mouthful
But sometimes listening is better

Walking on water so dark its choking
Pierced by every sharpened word
Justified in your pain and anger
I know my sins are obvious
At least I own each chapter and verse

Little girl walk a decade in my shoes
Feel my bloodied and wounded feet
Sorry I didn't have time for dancing
I was slaving with mouths to feed

Love's labour taken from me
Demanded as her right
Stole the pleasure of every act
Each victory a struggle
Still I soldiered on in silence

Little girl...I'm sorry your hurting
I'm sorry that I'm the source of all your pain
I'm sorry I strayed to another
I felt so wounded... I couldn't bear it again

Little girl I wish I could easily explain...
But then you'd have to see things clearly
My sixteen years of searing pain
Like you said... sorry doesn't make every wound better
Little girl I'll say it once again

I'm sorry... I'll do my best to fix things
But it won't go back together the same again
I'm ok with being the target
I'm the one who changed the game
I'm sorry... I'll do my best to fix things
But it won't ever be the same again

Little girl... your heros fallen
His faced is bloodied and so's his name
Little girl... hopefully one day you'll forgive him
And bring him back from the dead in your heart again